July 06, 2003

Euro English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become
known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan
have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f".
This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik
akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where
more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the
removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate
speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in
languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil
reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


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